Dear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 yearsand I appreciatemany of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weaveabsorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'dcertainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, whiteshorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.Kudoson being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is thatmaxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel eachmonth knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from thecurse' ? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is startingright now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surgingthrough my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'llbe transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly withknife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seenquite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customersmonthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, cryingjags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a toughtime for most women.
In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urgeto shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just becausehe told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy!The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is justcrawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to thereasonfor my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful Iwanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Alwaysmaxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:'Have a Happy Period.'Are you ***** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tinymiddle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughinghappiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentionedabove sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unlessyou're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin andKahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to thelocal Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end yourlife in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap amoronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say somethingthat's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'VehicularManslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take mymaxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss yourFlex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending ********. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.Best,Soon to be inbred Hillbilly with Knife skillsAustin , TX